IOWA….You can do whatever the f*ck you want

We departed Denver early to begin what would turn out to be our most boring drive yet, with one small highlight being our passage through “Julesberg” (For the purposes of this blog this can be referred to as BBberg). Jen astutely commented that this was what BB’s Jewish name would be and we all had a good shiksa laugh. After leaving Colorado, the majority of our day would be spent driving through the middle of Nebraska towards South Dakota and Iowa. (Readers from Nebraska please skip ahead).

Little did we know that Nebraska not only looks like sh*t, but also pathologically smells like sh*t. After we passed the second “farm” (aka slaughterhouse) where the smell of dead cow pervaded the car for at least 5 extra miles, we became immune to the smell of death and continued trucking. BB, Jen and Cragin used these long hours to fill Jihan in on our would-be host for the evening, Ameer, a friend from Middlebury. After regaling Jihan with some choice memories of less-than appropriate nights at college, Jihan dismissed us as complete exaggerators.

We entered Iowa (significantly better than Nebraska and most notably marked by a large man made of tires at the Sioux City limits), met up with Ameer and his friend John, and instantly our descriptions rang true. After a 2 hour drive to Okoboji Lake in Northern Iowa (did YOU know there were lakes in Iowa?) we arrived at Ameer’s lake house. Or, what we thought was Ameer’s lake house. Ameer snuck into the conversation that this house wasn’t actually his, but rather, Burke’s (see previous Colorado posting). Also, Burke wasn’t going to be there, but his MOTHER, Judy, would be. The evening devolved quite quickly after that.

Judy, the self-proclaimed “eternal DD” dropped us off at Maxwell’s, a lakeside restaurant where we were the youngest but NOT the rowdiest. A few manhattans, mojitos and bottles of wine later, we left drunk and full to check out the local bar scene. We arrived at Charlie’s where we weren’t the youngest but we were the drunkest and proceed to drink them out of SoCo and beer. A rock band was performing but Jihan was in the mood for more metrosexual 80’s pop and shook her assets at the keyboardist until he listened to her ask, “Do you know any George Michael?” He simply put his ear phones back on and shook his head, ridiculing her with judgment. Defeated, she returned to the bar to find the 5 of us staring at Ameer’s newly grown stomach, which BB was massaging. More shots and one “Living on a Prayer” song later, we hopped in a cab to return to Casa Burke.

Ameer ran into the house screaming at Judy to make us “Bacon and eggs! Judy! Bacon and eggs!” a la Will Ferrell in Old School (“Mom! Mealoaf!). Luckily Judy was staying elsewhere but had left the fridge fully stocked with Miller Lite. After some private time in Ameer and Burke’s bachelor pad (“love den”),and having left John to pray to the porcelain god, we stumbled down to the docks where Ameer mused that the state slogan of Iowa should be changed from the “Buckeye State” to: “Iowa…you can do whatever the f*ck you want.” We suggested he write some legislation and get it passed, because in Iowa….we did.